6 Supportive Reframes for your Self Critical Thoughts

Negative thoughts about ourselves are unfortunately, extremely common. Try as we might, traditional thought stopping skills will not always work to abolish these thoughts. I think coming into therapeutic work with the idea that a behavior or thought pattern can be completely extinguished is kind of setting yourself up to fail. Instead, let me offer some supportive reframes that might help you to manage thoughts of overwhelming negativity about yourself.

Framework 1 - Remind yourself of your humanity

When we ruminate on negativity and criticism, it is common to feel that there is something inherently wrong with you for feeling bad about yourself. The truth is, feeling badly about yourself from time to time is to be expected in life. While it may not seem ideal, it would be pretty difficult to exist as a human without feeling shame, guilt, or fear (some of driving emotions behind these sorts of faults). Experiencing this wide range of feelings is a uniquely human experience, and the ability to recognize the shared quality of this experience is a strength.

Consider saying to yourself “I am feeling bad and that is an experience that I will have from time to time. It is ok that I am a human who experiences emotional pain”.

Framework 2 - Imagine what you would say to a loved one

It should be no surprise that we are usually our own worst critic. This is something you probably already know. This allows us to be dismissive of self critical thoughts, as we often feel that we need to talk to ourselves this way in order to motivate and stay focused. Most of the time, the harshness with which we speak to ourselves comes at an intensity that we would never dream of saying to another person who is struggling. When you are in a moment of serious self criticism, it can be helpful to imagine how we would talk to a beloved person in our lives who expressed the same feelings.

Consider asking yourself “How would I react if (name of person you care about) came to me with these same thoughts about themselves? Would I be ok with how harshly they treat themselves? What would I offer them?”

Framework 3 - Explore the intentions of your message

It may seem kind of silly, but it can be helpful to explore what your mind is trying to get out of you being so critical towards yourself. Are you trying to feel motivated, or attempting to cover up deeper feelings of disappointment? If we frame self criticism as anger and understand that anger is usually used to mask a deeper emotion, it can be helpful to search for the emotion behind it. The deeper emotion is often symbolic of the deeper need that we are seeking to have met.

Consider exploring: “What is is that I am actually looking to have repaired? Do I need attention, support, validation? Am I just physically drained and taking out anger on my body?”

Framework 4 - Delay the experience

Most people who experience persistent self criticism know that can agree that they can happen at only any moment. This means that each cycle of rumination is not special, and in fact is probably not worth the effort and energy it takes to engage in deep reflections. This framework is more of a reality checking approach that aligns with CBT values - asserting for yourself that you do not need to have this experience right now, and making the choice to delay it for later.

Consider reminding yourself: “Just because a thought pops into my head, that does not mean it is worth exploring. This experience is actually fleeting, and adding more thought on top of it just exasperates the pain. You are allowed to put this aside, that is not a moral failing”.

Framework 5 - Look at it as an opportunity

This option is not going to be accessible for folks most of the time. I would recommend this option as something to be done with a trusted person in your life or therapist. The intention of this reframe is for you to make the most of the resources that you have around you at the time and to sit with the unpleasantness of this unwanted emotional thought.

Consider allowing yourself to process “This is an opportunity for me to sit with uncomfortable emotions and to actually notice what they do to me. It is understandable that this is not always accessible to me, but I am open to briefly sitting with this experience”.

Framework 6 - Give yourself the opportunity to use your resources

Using this lens can sometimes allow you to gain some clarity around the self criticism. Here, using resources means using what is available to you (coping strategies, creative endeavors) to cope with the issue at hand. This may include movement that is representative of what you are thinking, art, writing, or some other process that will help you to express what is going on. Perhaps even listening to music or watching a piece of media that is emblematic of your experience can help to develop clarity and connection.

Consider asking yourself: “Does this experience remind me of anything else that I have seen or heard before? Am I able to replicate or put out this information in a safe, creative way? Can I create or explore this idea from another angle that will facilitate some clarity?”